Deep Dark Depression

Hi Everybody,

Today I am going to talk about depression and what it can do to a person. I will talk about how depression shows itself differently. How this seemingly easy thing to classify is truly hard to understand. I am going to talk about how depression affects parenting. Hopefully I can show how there is no need to stigmatize this extremely prevalent issue that is happening all over our world.

I have depression and have had it since I was in grade school. I do not remember a time that I did not have depression but I can tell you this, I didn’t truly know that I had it until I started going to counseling. In grade school I shunned away from people and didn’t really like making friends. I was a good kid, made good grades and strove to be the best but was socially anxious. When I hit junior high was when I knew something was wrong so I told some people to try to get help and I was classified as a teenager that just wanted attention. So I stopped telling people. I kept all of the self hate, sadness, and numbness to myself. This is NOT something you should do!!!!

I remember vividly being extremely anorexic. I drank two slimfast drinks a day and exercised drastically. At one point in time I was walking 7-10 miles a day, doing around 1500 ab crunches, 100 push-ups and still had two P.E classes at school that I did. I was trying to run from my feelings. I was being outrageously unhealthy and on the outside I was being praised for it. This caused my depression to unfold tremendously. I thought all these people around me just liked this tortured person that I presented to them daily so I kept it up, until I shattered my ankle. Then everything halted. I couldn’t walk 10 miles a day anymore, I was benched at P.E. and I hated myself. Because that is the thing, I manifest depression in one of two ways. The first way is self hatred, and the second is complete and utter numbness.

The numbness set in then. I would get home from school and just sit in my room and stare at the wall. For hours every night I would do this. Eventually I would fall asleep and then get up the next day and start again. I would tell people that I did not care more than I said anything else. I didn’t care though, about anything. I tried to seek help multiple times for this because I was getting into trouble at home for not being happy. Let me tell you this from someone with experience from it; This DOES NOT WORK. Being mad at someone, that will internalize everything you say to them, for something that they are already mad at themselves for is counterproductive.

I then started to try and find ways to make myself feel something again which lead me to self harming. I was not suicidal at that time but was very destructive. I hid every last injury I made. I continued on this path for a long time until I started seeing a really good counselor. Even then I was not fixed and I think that is something some of you need to hear. Counseling does not completely fix you. It shows you ways to handle the stressful situations better then what you are doing so far. It teaches you how to handle destructive tendencies and how to cope with traumatic events in your life.

I got older, my counselor moved away and I stopped trying to find a new one. I had my daughter and got pregnant with my son. That is when I noticed my depression was back and worse then before. I felt like I had fire on my insides and it was burning away who I was. It left nothing in its place. I went to counselors and was yet again not taken seriously. I was told to find God. I was told to consult my husband (not married). I was told that I was just sad. I was not just sad though. I was suicidal.

I had convinced myself that I was a bad parent for not being happy all the time. I couldn’t properly take care of them if I have these issues inside myself. I was trying to find help and no one listened, no one understood. I never tried to commit suicide while I was pregnant because I ABSOLUTELY love my children! I did then and I still do now. That doesn’t change the way my brain is functioning though. It doesn’t mean that I am fine just because I never did anything because waking up every day thinking I would make the world a better place if I was dead is not okay. It is not healthy. I knew that I just didn’t know how to change it.

I did eventually go back to a counselor. I got more help. I am better now than I have been in a long time but I am not fixed. I probably never will be. That’s okay. I take one day at a time and go from there.

If you are a parent and have depression please just know I may not know exactly what is going on in your life but I do understand the absolute love for your children with the never ending numbness, pain, struggle to live. I assure you that there are people out here that care even if it seems like there isn’t. There is hope. Today is a new day and tomorrow will be too. As long as you keep trying to be a good parent, you will be. We can do this. I will try to help you.

Anyone can have depression. The happy person in the gas station you went to this morning, to the angry person you see at the restaurant arguing about their order. It is more common than you think.

Please remember that if you or someone you know ever needs some help you can always contact these national hotline numbers!!!