Despair

Hi everyone,

Today I want to write about this thing called despair. I want to share its evils and show its desires.

I have been having a lot of anxiety lately and am not sure why. I have tried everything I can think of to try to make it better and it just isn’t working. It is almost like sometimes my anxiety is more physical than it is mental. Some of you may think this sounds strange and others read that statement and completely understand what I am saying. Well what I am saying is that sometimes my fight or flight symptoms (elevated heart rate, shortness of breath, ect) stick around long after the perpetrator in my brain is gone. I don’t know what to do about this and that is where despair comes in. Despair likes anxiety, it is like they are old pals. Despair is like you are in quick sand and are slowly being swallowed alive. You don’t even realize you are there until you can’t move. When anxiety and despair are together it is like you are shattering and there are pieces of you falling into this quicksand. You scoop, digging for these pieces of yourself but they get lost.

I have a couple of things that I would like to clear up about despair before I go on. 1. People that are feeling despair do not want you to feel pity for them. 2. Telling someone to just be happy does not help. 3. I want to be happy too.

That is a big thing with me lately. I want to be happy. I want it so bad that I try to make myself, or shove everything down inside of myself so that I am “happy”. I want so bad to be able to show my kids a happy healthy mother. I want for them to grow up in a mentally stable home. I know I do not offer that. My brain is broken. I keep taping it back together but tape falls off.

Today despair got me in a bad place. It had me questioning whether I should leave my family. Whether I should commit suicide. Whether I should start smoking again. Whether I will always be broken. Because that is what despair wants you to think, that you will always be broken.

I may always be broken. I will always fight though. I will always try to be better. I will always find something to hold onto in the quicksand so I can pull myself back out eventually. I am suicidal. Logically I know that is not an answer. Mentally I think it may be. This is the battle I have daily. I know many of you have these battles also but are afraid to talk about them. If you are in the middle of a war in your brain please just know I am down in the mental trenches with you. I am fighting alongside you. I will help you in whatever way I can. Even if there is nothing else in your physical world you can control, mentally you can fight these demons.

Please also know that if you or anyone else you know ever needs help there are national hotlines that can get you the help you need.